the bounty of boldness

November 20, 2009 | 2:39 pm | JCarver

a few days ago I found a package on my porch. it was pretty large – the side of the box informed me that it weighed almost 35 pounds. I was worried that I’d have to call some burly friends to help me move it, but I remembered a trick I had learned in my youth and successfully moved the box inside. Here is a short clip of the operation:

But what is it??? I hadn’t ordered anything lately, and was quite curious what fantastic item could be contained in such a high available content container. But look! On the side!

lalala 038

WOW! I’m rich! If you haven’t seen it, during the last bellagio $15K I made all the requisite bold moves necessary to land the biggest achievement of my career, the BOLD DIAMONDS BLUE PLAYER OF THE DAY, scoring me a YEAR SUPPLY of almonds (also that video finally motivated me to have none other than phil ivey’s barber cut my hair). By the end of the tournament, I hadn’t just won almonds but I also won weeks of recurring nightmares after being chip lead going into day 3 and bubbling on day 4 (sigh). Anyway, back to the box.

lalala 069

One might suggest another item for scale purposes; however, I don’t think I’ve done anything besides play call of duty and eat spaghetti in about a month and it seems like a tragedy to put spaghetti on the floor, so controller it is.

Upon opening up the packaging, I see five “cases” of almonds, all of a quite wonderful variety.

lalala 020

If you can’t quite make it out, the flavors are jalapeno smokehouse, lime+chili, wasabi+soy sauce, habanero bbq, and bold salt + vinegar. If you know me at all, you know that these flavors suite my taste palette PERFECTLY. Or, well, not. Not that I’d necessarily even eat plain almonds, but still, habanero, wasabi, and jalapeno? I might as well drink ground up glass for what it’ll do to my colon. I do like salt though (but I’ve never had bold salt) and vinegar is always good on a salad (as long as its specifically red wine). Upon looking at all these, I pause for a moment and wistfully think about what could have been, that perhaps there could have been a Kraft-y Bluffer of the Day instead for potential macaroni riches or some such instead, but it is what it is. But if I’m not going to eat them, what do I do with them?

The answer seemed pretty obvious….

lalala 006

Yes, I’m a whore. But I’m a whore with almonds. After spending an embarrassingly long time trying to stack these almonds in other configurations (spirals are TOUGH), my mind started to wonder : just how long would these last an adult with normal ish eating habits? These are supposed to be a year’s supply, yet they expire in 3 years. That’s kind of them to give some wiggle room there.

There’s 60 almond cans, each claiming to contain 6 servings, each serving size being 28 almonds. That’s a total of 360 servings, 10,080 almonds, and a grand total of 61,200 calories (170 per serving,*6,*60). If you ate 2 servings, or 56 almonds a day, it would last you 180 days. Apparently, they suggest you eat only 1 serving a day if you want to make this last you a a year.


Real blog post coming again soon, some quick good news for PokerVT subscribers though – I’ll be making a few new series to be released in December, alongside a cool one I did with Pearljammer that’s finished and going to be released soon as well.

6 Responses to “the bounty of boldness”

  • November 21, 2009 at 5:10 am

    Richard said:

    Well at least you wont go hungry for a while.
    I think I remember seeing you getting interviewed on winning that supply.
    Looking forward to seeing what you are going to be doing for PokerVT now.


  • November 21, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Adam Junglen said:

    Haha, awesome.

  • December 2, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Mike "Rephorik" Grube said:

    Wow that is a ton of almonds lol. I am actually a PokerVT memeber myself and Derk suggested that I watch your videos for help at the MTT game. I am really looking forward to your new material because I literally watched every video you have up in the last 2 days. Also, I saw you said you have bene playing alot of call of duty. I am actually a professional gamer on the MLG (Major League Gaming) circuit and recently switched to playing cod professionally so if your down to play sometime hit me up :p .

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